Ladies, we need to talk. (I TAKE A BIG SNIFF FROM THROUGH THE SCREEN) I know you have a UTI. Whoever you are, I want you to know you’re not alone. You’ve probably gone to your doctor, taken the test, and had it come back negative. The doctor tells you there’s nothing wrong with you, […]
Alright, before I start, I just want to take a quick poll of the audience: What’s your clearance rate? What about you? What’s your clearance rate? When you’re taking a shit, how much do you clear the water by? Me? I’m at 10 centimetres. Pretty impressive, I know, but I’ve still got a long way […]
Show’s over, I’m taking over. I’m here tonight to clear the air on a couple of things: My husband and I recently adopted a beautiful little girl, and some people think it’s wrong we have a child because they don’t agree with our lifestyle. Yes, we are lovers, we are husbands, and now we are […]
Ladies, you got a friend at ruins nights out because they’re addicted to big dicks? You can’t just have a night out with the girls because they’re just looking for the biggest dick they can find? You end up Group Mum because Kathy starts venting because her boyfriend straight up abuses her. Stacy is a […]
Guys, we’ve gotta stop sending dick pics. No one wants to see them, women always talk about how they don’t want to see your dick, but guys keep sending them. Who are these guys? Is it just a bad batch making a bad name for the rest of us? I don’t think so. Do you […]
The job of a comedian is to say the things that need to be said, that no one else is saying, and I’m going to do that right now: The M1 Garand was the stupidest gun used in WWII It is. I’m saying it. This needs to be said. It’s a fucking stupid idiot gun […]
I live in the northern suburbs of Melbourne and one thing I see all the time, which I think is a very Northern Suburbs thing, which is the 903 bus. I go to Northland, I see it there, I go to the Airport I see it there, I go to Greensborough I see it there. […]
I’d like to start this off with a little prayer: Lord? Are you there, Lord? And I say, Lord! If that’s you, Jesus, put your daddy on the phone. The men need to talk. Now, we’ve been doing this a long time Lord, and I say, Lord! And now I’d like to change things up […]
I got my gallbladder out a couple of years ago. It means I can’t handle greasy or fatty foods as well as I used to. It’s pretty much aged my metabolism 10 years. So it means I need to be a bit cautious around some foods. If I eat a dirty burger I need to […]
My name is Tom Wade, but back at school, going back to when I first started primary school, I had the nickname Tommy Conceived-in-a-threesome. I come from a small town, word spreads pretty quickly about things and people like to talk. A couple of weeks into kindergarten one of the mothers that came in to […]