What have you been doing these past couple of months? I know what you’ve been up to, same as everyone else: Animal Crossing.
Everyone uses Animal Crossing to be good at something they suck at in real life. For some people it’s having a nice, orderly life. For others, it’s having friends.
I made a character on my girlfriend’s island, and I’ve been using Animal Crossing to do something I’ve always had trouble with; MAKING FUCKING MONEY!
See, I have a degree that should make me a financial whizz. What university FORGOT to tell me is it TAKES MONEY to MAKE MONEY. Instead, I was dumped into a crowded job market full of short term contracts and no connections to give me a leg up.
That’s the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I’m trying to do here, University!
So now I’m on that grind, getting up early on a Sunday morning, buying from that leaky nosed pig, laying those turnips out on my girlfriend’s lawn, and I’m WORKING THE STALK MARKET, BABY!
Quarantine means working from home. I sit there with my work emails up on one screen, and I got Turnip Exchange up on the other screen, waiting to flip my turnips for 400+ bells.
It’s a waiting game and I’ve got nothing but time.
I spent half an hour on my first island. With everyone coming and going it took me ages just to get to the store. But once I got out of there I had OVER A MILLION BELLS in my sweet little pockets.
Ooh, yeah, you could hear that sweet jingle from the airport when I came back to my girlfriend’s island, I was making BANK now.
Every week I’d go out and flip those ‘nips, then dump the dosh at my GF’s door. She’s the one that needs it, I’m all about the love of the game.
My girl didn’t have to go catching bugs to build her ramps anymore. She didn’t have to settle for natural ramps and log bridges., it was gonna be all BLUE STEEL and RED ZEN from now on.
I became my girlfriend’s Animal Crossing sugar daddy. But it was bells instead of cash, so I was a ‘ding daddy’, if you will.
I was making money HAND over TURNIP. It got to the point I was making multiple trips a week, I was pulling so many roots from that leaky pig I couldn’t fit them all in my pocket.
I wish there was a way I could tell Tom Nook how rich I was. I wish I could go party with him, we could get Isabel loaded on top shelf scotch and tag team her, then snort cocaine out of the arse cracks of his two identical sons.
But every time I’d go talk to him, he’d just put his coffee in his pocket and ask me about extensions to my house. Didn’t he see how many trips I made to the ATM? Couldn’t he tell I was FUCKING LOADED?
The island was looking good; bridges everywhere, homes in the mountains and ramps to the town square, my girl had a takoyaki stand, a SERVER FARM, a DJ booth, and fully upgraded house with all the antique furniture.
And it was all thanks to me and my financial cunning.
I’d see Bunnie doing tai chi out the front of her place every time I flew home from doing business. I’d only spoken to her twice and she already started calling me ‘bestie’. That sweaty slut knew which side her bread was buttered on and was trying to muscle in.
I was fishing by the beach one time, relaxing after a particularly stressful business trip, when she ran up to teach me a reaction. I wanted to scream at her, ‘FUCK OFF, SLUT! I already have a girlfriend.’ but I didn’t have the dialogue option. All I could do is learn encouragement.
Early one week my girlfriend came up to me, ‘Daddy! The boys are selling a harp as one of the special items!’
‘I’d love to get it for you, baby, but all my money is in turnips right now. I need to sell them first.’
‘You’re supposed to have all the money, Daddy! Get on Turnip Exchange now so I can buy it before the store closes.’
That ruined my plans to spend the afternoon fishing on the island.
My girlfriend’s character wears the crown and a pink tracksuit. She made me upgrade my house so she could store more clothes, demolished a couple of bridges to move them a couple of squares, and bought every outfit in every colour at the Mable Sisters.
She doesn’t even craft anymore. She just buys her tools from the store.
But I got on Turnip Exchange and got my girl her harp. Anything for my baby.
I walked into the loungeroom one morning to see my girlfriend angry at her switch. ‘What’s up, babygirl?’ I asked her.
‘Ugh, I’m so sick of Sheldon – I want to kick him off the island.’
‘He was one of your first villagers, why the sudden change on him?’
‘He always talks about working out, but I’ve never once seen him in workout clothes. I haven’t even seen him Naruto running in the town square. I swear Bunnie exercises more than he does.’ I hadn’t told my girlfriend about how Bunnie was a gold-digging homewrecker, I’d sort that out myself. ‘I wish you could just pay him to fuck off with all your bells, Daddy.’
‘The game doesn’t work like that. You have to wait for him to leave on his own.’
‘As soon as he does, can you jump on Turnip Exchange and get someone good to replace him? Like Raymond? I don’t want an ugly villager.’
God, I spend all day on Turnip Exchange for selling. Now I had to PICK UP VILLAGERS as well? When was I going to get time to go fishing?
I was starting to get the feeling my business acumen was being taken for granted. Flipping turnips may not be cheating (at least I’m not a FILTHY TIME TRAVELLER), I still felt it still went against the spirit of the game.
Especially when I went to someone’s island and the date was 3 months in the future. I may not be a filthy time traveller, but am I just as bad if I’m profiting from one?
I was giving all my bells to my girlfriend and taking the challenge out of the game for her. She didn’t have to earn her island, everything I gave her took away the sense of achievement that comes with creating your own space in Animal Crossing.
I was already a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE… in Animal Crossing. I had nothing left to prove. I reassessed what got me interested in Animal Crossing in the first place and decided to retire from the stalk market.
That Sunday I stepped out of my house, said hello to Raymond, equipped my fishing rod, and went to the eastern beach. Daisy Mae was there, but I paid her no mind. I cast my line and hoped the dark shadow wasn’t another fucking tyre.
Bunnie came walking onto the beach with a thought bubble above her head. I spoke to her and she said she was considering leaving the island. I said I thought that was probably for the best. Of course she would lose interest once the bells stopped ringing.
I got a bite on my line. It was a sea bass. I thought it was at least a C+.
My girlfriend came bounding from the bedroom. ‘Daddy! It’s Sunday, are you going to buy more turnips? I need to finish my bowling alley!’
‘Sorry, little girl. I’m not in that game anymore.’
‘What? But I need to finish off Little Venice as well.’
‘You’ll have to earn those bells yourself, babygirl. I’m out of the game.’
‘If you’re out of the game then why are you still playing?’
I looked down at my character in the low resolution Switch screen. He wore an Ultraman helmet, a business shirt and tie with no trousers, mom’s knapsack I got from a letter, and hiking boots. I cast again because the STUPID FUCKING IDIOT FISH couldn’t see a line slightly diagonal from it.
‘I just wanna fish for God’s sake.’