Alright, before I start, I just want to take a quick poll of the audience:

What’s your clearance rate?

What about you? What’s your clearance rate? When you’re taking a shit, how much do you clear the water by?

Me? I’m at 10 centimetres. Pretty impressive, I know, but I’ve still got a long way to go.

What am I talking about? Well, we’re living in a pretty messed up world, aren’t we? Everything’s messed up and feels like it’s getting worse

That’s why I’m proposing a new idea, a new path forward:

Balls in the water 2020

That’s right, come 2020, I want every adult male’s balls to reach the water when they sit down to shit

That’s right, suspension until we break surface tension!

You fellas prepared to stir the sewerage?

Ready to teabag some turds?

Tap the crap with your sack?

Ooh yeah, nothing brings people together like working towards a common goal.

And I know what you’re thinking, what about me? What part does Balls in the water 2020 have for women?

It’s simple; as we journey on this quest, not all of us will make it out alive. Someone has to be there to console the mourners, and propagate the genes of the successful.

Wouldn’t you like that, a couple of long balled sons? Your brood would be the envy of the neighbourhood.

And where does a pair of long old balls get you?

You’ve done skid marks, you’ve done the liquid spray. Now, you’ll be able to do the cable car, or as they call it in Europe; the reverse ski lift.

Where do you want to find yourself in a couple of years?

You bring a woman home, take off your trousers, she takes one look and sees this long dick, shamefully surpassing the droop of your testicles.

She asks, ‘where were you in 2020? I’m sorry, but I’m looking for a real man that could give me the Rooster’s Lasso, not some long dicked boy without a scrote down to the floor.

Women will be clamouring for that nice, long pendulum of fertility. You won’t have any dick game if you don’t have Casanova’s Metronome to keep you in time.

You want to show the world you can work towards something, that your have looong term vision. Dedication.

Look, I think I’ve made a couple of converts tonight, Balls in the water 2020, I’ll be taking sign ups after the show.