I got my gallbladder out a couple of years ago. It means I can’t handle greasy or fatty foods as well as I used to. It’s pretty much aged my metabolism 10 years.
So it means I need to be a bit cautious around some foods. If I eat a dirty burger I need to know where the exits are.
Sometimes, my girlfriend and I walk down to the cafes near our place, and if I have coffee and eggs on an empty stomach the walk back can be a struggle.
There was one time we went to a cafe near us, and I had the chili scrambled eggs and a cappuccino, and oh man, these eggs were spicy.
I like spicy food, and usually chili scrambled eggs barely register for me, but these ones, they were the real deal.
Which also means I had to go to the toilet, like, immediately.
So I barge into the toilets and take the only available stall; Now, you may have heard of the hand on the wall piss, one of those post hangover ones you need to do just to get by. I had to do something like that, but it was the emergency evac explosive shit pose:
I had my arms and legs out, hands and knees pressed against the sides of the stall before I even started doing this shit. And when it started, those eggs were hot going in, went right through me, and were even hotter going out.
I just screamed, more like a shriek, IIEEEE! And the instincts just kicked in.
I ended up spider crawling up, palms and knees pressed against the stall. The sheer pain of these chili scrambled eggs driving me up, away from the toilet seat. Of course, I couldn’t escape the pain, because it was in my arsehole. But I was in full fight or flight mode, just trying to get away from the pain.
I get to the top of the stall, I can’t climb any further, and I’m looking down at the guy in the stall next to me.
It’s burning as it comes out, so I’m looking at him and just screaming IIIEEE! And it’s just pouring out of me, FLHPFLPHFLPH, and because I’ve climbed all the way up the stall it’s splashing, SPLSHSPLSH, and because it’s chili, and it’s gone right through me, it’s so hot the water is just exploding into steam as it hits, TSTSTSTSS!
And because it’s steaming, the whole toilet is just getting so humid. The air is thick with my shit.
And the smell, the worst part was the smell. Not because it smelt bad, but because it smelt so familiar. Those chili scrambled eggs went straight through me, I barely had time to digest.
So while I’m up there, screaming at this guy, IIIEEE, a molten torrent of shit pouring out of me, FLPHFLPHFLPH, splashing, SPLSHSPLSHSPLSH, and just steaming as a result TSSSTSTSS…
There’s nothing worse than having a pungent stream of diarrhea just flowing out of you, having to breathe in this air that’s getting sticky and clammy as a result, knowing where it’s come from, and still having a subconscious part of your brain go, ‘that smells pretty good, I’d eat that’’. The fact that it doesn’t smell like shit at all, but food — and good food to boot.
Finally, my arsehole just sputtered out and came to a stop. There was a creaking HEEEE as I slid back down to my seat. I just needed a moment
When I was done, after a good couple of full flushes, I open the stall, and there’s just this kid on crutches looking up at me. In my rush I hadn’t realised I ran into the ambulant toilet.
I looked down at him and all I could say was, ‘I’m sorry’.