You ever have a hangover that’s more wild than the night out? Oh man, I just had one of those.
I knew it was wild when I got up and did one of those classic, dehydrated hangover pisses.
You know what I’m talking about, it’s a yellow, thick, viscous syrup. It collects at the bottom of the bowl in this squiggle, each new layer pushing the rest of it down deeper into the water. It doesn’t just fill up the water, it just sits there the way detergent does when you squeeze some out in the sink.
And so then you have to wipe afterwards. I know the ladies are familiar with this, but have you guys ever done a piss so thick you have to wipe? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.
Then I laid on the lounge watched a whole movie before 10am. Had subtitles too, it was wild.
I know for most hungover people getting up in the morning is impossible, let alone getting up at 8 to watch a whole movie before 10.
I didn’t say it was that bad a hangover.
And then my girlfriend gets up, she’s not hungover, she just sleeps in on a Sunday anyway. Even when I’ve got a hangover, even if a little, I still get up earlier than my girlfriend and get more done than she does stone cold sober.
So she’s up, I cook us bacon and eggs for breakfast. Yes, even though I’ve got the hangover I do the cooking. Because when I’m hungover I want to eat good food.
And then a little later I need to go to the toilet again. And you know what happens the night before, you go out, you just eat like shit, and it all sort of just compacts in there.
So when it comes out, a grog bog they call it. Just this solid mass, you don’t know how you did it.
I had one of those after this hangover. When it came out, it just shattered the cistern. I straightened out that S-bend.
My girlfriend just heard this smash. She came into the bathroom to see me laying on top of all this smashed porcelain, completely out of it, my joins all sore.
She got me into the car and took me to the doctor. The doctor said the sore joints came from radiation poisoning.
Some people say they feel like they’re going to die during a hangover. My doctor gave me six months to live.
I got radiation poisoning from my own shit.
Usually, after you see a doctor you get referred to a specialist. I got referred to a physicist.
There was an upside though, my shit was so dense it had such a short half-life that it decayed so quickly – I didn’t need to wipe.
Which the physicist said was a shame. He would have had me shit into a vacuum tube attached to an electron microscope. By the sounds of things, I created a whole new isotope, the closest matter to what existed before the Big Bang.
And the doctor said I was lucky it was just one. If I did a similar shit and they hit together, it would have caused a dark matter implosion that would condense my entire unit block to the size of a grain of sand to contain the singularity.
You may think that after all that I’m never drinking again, and that I may be pretty bummed about only having six months to live.
I’m actually going out every weekend and going harder than I ever did before.
I have all the equipment at home ready if I take another one of these atomic shits. I’m going to spend the rest of my time drinking for science.
Talk about a wild hangover.